Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Knock Knock

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

Perfect.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.