“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“you changed” bro i was 15
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas