Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
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me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
when someone compliments me
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.