That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….