Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
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The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
When my son was little he asked me where poo came from. So I went thru this awkwardly disgusting story explaining the process.
He looked up at me confused with a quivering lip and said….. and Tigger?