My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Krampus.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why