The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
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Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge