it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular