Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

The only function of a middle name is so a child can assess how much danger they’re in.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.