A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
You Might Also Like
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
“I took care of your clown problem.”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
How do I rate our solar system?
One star