4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
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Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem