I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Saturday
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.