Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

Bloody internet 😳

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.