Don’t snitch tag.
You Might Also Like
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.