My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
You Might Also Like
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on