We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
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I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Body by cheese-puffs.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
The Joker was right
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
