I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.