She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
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I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.