My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
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SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.