Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.