In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
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You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
According to math, I’m broke
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I’m awake but I object,
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump