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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.