Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO