*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
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My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here