Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.