Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
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All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right