Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genius.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.