Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

Have kids, they said

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit