Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

A couple who are silly together stay together.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

is this store having a stroke wtf

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.