Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

☠️☠️☠️

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.