Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash: