Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*