Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

CUTE CAT‼︎

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

this site is so cooked lol

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am