as is their right
You Might Also Like
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers