Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

Just how popey was the pope today?

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?