plant them where lol
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Good morning!
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I love texting my boyfriend
