Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.