Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
You Might Also Like
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
what kind of cook setting is this??
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*