unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
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It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Clients after you give them your rates
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.