Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
me linking you to my twitter
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”