Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

Friday

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

mood

Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.

In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*

In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride