Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

Raisins are grape jerky.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.