*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
constantly working on myself.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
This was the best day of my life
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
what kind of cook setting is this??
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men