Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
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the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what