Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often