Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv