Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
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Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I put the mess in domestic.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
No way!
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history