Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
it be like that
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
the prophecies have been fulfilled
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.