[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
back to work
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”