You should be tunashamed of yourself!
You Might Also Like
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
what day is it?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?