Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!